Engineering the Social Lives of Children (for adults by adults)

The current culture of childrearing says we must micromanage the social lives of our children, for their own good, of course. The first thing that got me thinking about this was a post I read last year about some teachers at a preschool that decided to ban legos. The kids were forming alliances and generally 'not playing fair'. Later I read about a school banning the playing of tag at recess, then, the very school I work at banned tag. A local park in my area has a "No Running" sign (yeah, wtf!). Good-hearted, well meaning people often cannot refrain from stepping in and trying to prevent children from Hurting Themselves and Others (not to mention lawsuit prevention as well).

Let me briefly digress and point out that in my work, we often use "social stories" or "scripts" to help teach autistic spectrum kids how to interact with others. By the rote learning of verbal cues these kids can be better integrated into mainstream society which is usually the goal. This works very well in high functioning autistics because you are giving them a useful tool that helps them communicate. Some of my students even attend weekly afterschool (private) sessions in RDI (Relationship Development Instruction).

In this post though, I am referring to your average elementary school kid who learns how to get along with others by simply playing with other children. They learn by trial and error. They will sometimes model adult behavior (trying it on for size). The premise of the microengineers is that everyone is equal. I don't think this is the way it is in the real world. Personality, circumstance, serendipity and our genes all dictate how we behave. We should teach our children to be kind and to try and always make the best of things, however in the case of mild conflict they should be left to work it out on their own.

In the game of tag, someone is always faster, more agile and they might always win. Should the game really be banned because kids' feelings might get hurt? (Or they might fall down and get a scrape? Oh no! A skinned knee? Time to lawyer up) In the case of the banned legos the teachers over-reacted and over-thought the whole process (in addition to the ban they had long intensive meetings with each other and the children, meant I'm sure, to be instructive). Left to their own devices, I think the kids the would have solved the whole issue of the 'elitist' legotown. I would have let them try.

Yes, you must step in if there is physical aggression, but if they are all trying to figure out their place in the social fabric, let them have at it. It is important to instill a culture of inclusion and kindness in your home, daycare and school, but then let the children go and learn. Stop hovering people! Let them learn how to react with each other. Some will be natural leaders that others will want to be around. Some will be shy and reclusive, some will be drama queens (and kings!). Everyone is different, we weren't made exactly alike and no amount of pedagogy will ever change that.