WTF

"What the f***?" were the first whispery words I heard the morning of Christmas Eve.
The first thing I heard was the downstairs shower. Five minutes later as I finished dressing, I heard boom! and crash!, crash! That could only mean one thing. Test Case was seizing in the shower.
With an accelerated heart pumping in my throat I raced downstairs. Hubby was already 'on the job'. We assumed our accustomed roles. There was no need for conversation. He held our son's head and shoulders and I threw a towel over him to preserve a bit of modesty. We waited.
It is like watching your kid die; only you know (or do you?) that he will revive. After a good minute that stretched for hours the convulsions ended and he began to breathe again in short gasping gulps for air. He was pale and blue lipped. His eyes skittered around, finally rested on each of us and he whispered,
"What the fuck?"


Ok people this is my therapy, I'm not trying for any boohooing sympathy stuff that undoubtedly is quite sincere. It took a another 15 minutes to get him into his bed. Test Case slept for the rest of the day. I woke him on and off to check for a concussion. He was ok except for a badly strained neck and a really bad headache. He couldn't go to work at his new job that day. Hubby drove over and explained the situation. Test Case needed a reboot which, unlike computers takes much, much longer. He went to work today. So far, so good. The rest of Christmas was super A-OK.
Epilepsy SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sugar is My Crack

Whew! I'm glad that's over. The last day of school before the holiday break is always fun. My day started early. I got to school early for my reading intervention class that exactly 5 out of 17 kids showed up for. I felt the love though when school officially began and I was inundated with gifts from my students in 4th grade. YUM! I try not to eat sugar but there it was and its my crack I can't resist. Everything kind of went nuts after that.

Every class had a party. I gathered my 'guys' at recess and we communed with the 4th grade pet rats (it calms them). Later at the teacher's request I pulled a 1st grade boy (who I work with at other times) who is 7 going on 17 from his class in order to do 'something' with him cuz he is Jewish and he tells the other kids that his dad says that Santa is "a bunch of Christian crap". Here's why I love the internet- I type in 'jewish children's art projects' and BOOM I've got coloring pages and a nifty idea for a special star of David card we can make for his parents. It actually works. He doesn't want to color, but he wants to do the card, his way of course, but that's ok. Then I make the mistake of asking him to tell me about Channukah. He lectures me on middle east politics (yes I know he is only 7, but he has been well schooled). I change the subject and I convince him that he is going to love third grade because he will have an actual jewish teacher (who is a friend of mine). Whew, that was close.

Its still the last day and I have paper work to turn in for the reading intervention but I can't get it done because I run into another teacher who informs me that Matt (the one kid I am officially attached to who has been just having a great year) repeated punched one of her students while I was dodging delicate religous talk with a 7 year old. Yikes! I privately think that other kid is a brat and probably deserved it. I never get the paperwork done. Matt wants to take the rats home for break and is freaking out about it. His mom is iffy on rats. I agree she can drop them off at my house after a few days (its ok, see the zoo post).

My daughter and I pack up all our school stuff so we can race home, get her boots and get her to her horseback riding lesson. It has changed locations and I'm not sure where to go. But mercy! I find it. My crack is wearing off. I'm tired and jittery. I lock my keys in the car at the end of the lesson. I haven't done that in 10 years because I have OCD. I phone hubby but it will take him 45 minutes to get out there in the dark. I have to climb a fence and step in horse poo to get out to the road to flag him down. My boys are annoyed with me for not calling them to come and rescue me. That is so sweet! They actually love me...
All is well until I wake up the next day and want more crack!!!!

Here's a Little Shout Out to Diesel

I have a book recommendation for Diesel. I noted that he is a fan of science fiction, so perhaps he has read this already, but oh well...

Foreigner by C.J. Cherryh (1994)

This is the first book of a series, so if you like the story it is fun to read more. It is set on the world of atevi. The author really nails the experience of being in a completely foreign culture. I was transported and captivated by this world and the hero, Bren Cameron, who must grapple with the natives who are very, very dangerous. The atevi are humanlike but larger and more powerful. Bren is the only human allowed visit their society and negotiate on behalf of the humans. If you haven't had the pleasure, Diesel, I highly recommend it.

Vincent D'Onofrio Sighted at...

DISNEYLAND!!!!
OMG, I'm so excited. Maybe I'll run into him since I'll be there for the next 5 days.

Ok, I know these pictures are lame, but I'm a recovering computer luddite. Sorry :(
I really will be in Disneyland. :)

Neologisms

This is something my sister sent me that I found quite amusing. Apologies to anyone who has already encountered this...

Annual Neologism Contest
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) the belief that when you die, your soul flies onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

The Warrior Princess

I'm a fighter. She's a better fighter.
My mom is a faded fighter. She sent me a knitted cap (that she made). I thanked her profusely for it. I will actually wear it (I will keep it in the motorcycle to wear after I remove the helmet and have squished- down, thinning, weird- looking hair that needs to be hidden).
She stressed me out big time this summer by bringing up old shit that she previously said we would not talk about AND she said it in front of my daughter (who knows nothing of the Traumatic Event). Gee whiz, ma. Luckily the Warrior Princess opted not to know more on the subject.
I think it is interesting that people with blighted childhoods (especially with a mentally ill parent) can turn out ok, but troubled or depressed (like BG) and they can also go to the dark side (like 'she who shall not be named'). What flips the switch in either direction? I feel that it made me very empathetic towards the suffering of others, but prone to depression. I have a nugget of naughtiness in me though, that I can tell would have flourished under different circumstances. Still, my driving desire is to give my children a good and happy childhood. That I believe I have done. Test Case has his life back in a bit of order, so no more seizures, hopefully (that's the sound of me crossing myself). Football Playin' Man got moved to tight end so he is a happy camper (my rock- when he's happy- so am I) So its all good, for now....
I feel very thankful and yes, content.

Nothing Says Party Like....

a pig with a purple party hat hanging out in his pretty pink carrier. Yea, I said 'his', poor Mickey- first gay guinea pig. Ever. Luckily, he's a very happy fellow who is always fed well. He never complains about the outfits he's forced to endure, because he gets carrots!

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Here's a question for everyone: Who did you love before Vincent hit your radar?
I loved Ewan McGregor. He was fantabulous in Moulin Rouge. He has an infectious smile. Way before that it was Pierce Brosnan when he was on Remington Steele. Love that black hair/blue eye combo. Now its VDO of course who has captured my imagination. He has that certain something that I am unable to describe. Purrrrr....

Science and Religon...

are not mutually exclusive. The following is a bit from the October issue of Scientific American. Every month Michael Shermer writes a column called the Skeptic. His article (Darwin on the Right) is summarized with six points:
1. Evolution fits well with good theology.
2. Creationism is bad theology. Calling God a watchmaker is belittling.
3. Evolution explains original sin and the Christian model of human nature.
4. Evolution explains family values.
5. Evolution accounts for specific Christian moral precepts.
6. Evolution explains conservative free-market economics.

Damn, I wish I'd written that. The entire article should be read for full appreciation. Doesn't he seem reasonable? There's your dose of common sense for the day. I do sincerely hope I have not offended anyone. This comes very close to my own philosphy as a scientifically trained person and a religous one as well. And to all my Jewish friends, I say you were the first, the most special people, the very foundation of all Christian religons, deserving of sincere respect.

I Want Some of This

VDO/BG: The Romantic Ideal

[disclaimer: these are only my poor random thoughts]
It is a constant source of fascination to me that so many women idealize the BG character. Well why not, after all, through out time women have romantized all sorts of male heroic figures. The BG character calls out to the heart of the lonely woman. Most women would like someone to adore them and love them for who they really are. It can be the ultimate female fantasy. Someone to be sensitive in private, but strong and dominating in public. He's also someone who is secretly lonely.
Additionally, the BG character has a sad childhood history which he managed to overcome. The whole possibility that he could have gone the other way, to the dark side, with such a background suggests a bit of a naughty side to his personality in certain situations. This is very alluring because he could be dangerous if provoked.
Another factor is the physicality of the man who plays BG. He is a large, athletically built man with the face of an avenging angel. Someone who really could protect (and serve) if need be. He is no poser, he is an alpha male type that many women find irresistable.
Here is a man consumed with a noble purpose, he's focused on his task to rid the world of bad guys. Unexpectantly, he has a romantic epiphany because he encounters *---* (mrsbg for example). This woman is his psychic match. He realizes then that life is more than the job. His sexuality is reawakened as never before all because of *---*. Naturally under these circumstances he is the sweetest, most intuitive lover ever.
This love match must be made with someone who is equally as clever. BG would only be turned on by a smart girl. She might even possess areas of knowledge that he is less informed of. He finds her enchanting, as she does him. They make each other laugh on the dreary days. They live happily ever after, not smoothly or uneventfully, but they are fiercely loyal to one another. This loyalty can be strained occasionally, but it is an unbreakable bond. Thus, they would each leave behind their lonely pasts.
[additional disclaimer: sometimes a lonely girl thinks too much]

My House: The Other City Zoo

We love pets here, maybe a little too much. Here's the laundry list: 2 dogs, 3 cats, a 4 ft. Iguana, 2 firebelly toads, 2 hermit crabs, 1 guinea pig and a rescued meadow vole (-it was about to be eaten by a cat and my sweet daughter wouldn't let that happen. Yes I know normal people PAY to have such things exterminated). To the left is Crissy-best dog ever (the anti-Marley). Over on the right is my soccer playin', ass-kickin' daughter with her cat Tiger and Toby, the rescued flat-coat retriever with issues. He is a little portly due to having been starved in an earlier life. It's hard to keep him on a diet. I have a little experience with that problem, but only a little- ha ha.
We got the Iguana long ago because the boys wanted a snake. I didn't want to deal with feeding a snake, so we got the lizard which is a nice vegetarian. However about five years later we rescued a red tail boa which a neighbor kid had starved. So guess what? I got stuck with the care and feeding of both reptiles! I found a good home for the snake after we had her for a few years. Defrosting dead rats and dangling them in front of her got to be a bit of a drag. Ignacia is potty trained to a cat box filled with water, plus she spends summers outside on my bedroom
porch.
Oh no, Test Case just walked in and discovered that I have a blog. He's mad cuz I didn't put a picture of Jigs, his cat in the post. I've sworn him to secrecy with the promise to move his laundry into the dryer when he goes to work. TTFN

OK, So I Rode the Freakin' Motorcycle

and I liked it. My hubby is on his 3rd or 4th midlife crisis and he bought a really big motorcycle, well actually he bought two motorcycles. One for me too. Yup, its not nearly as big, thank god. Twenty-two years ago we both had bikes, but hell you can't strap little Test Case on the back. Or ride around with all the baby paraphernalia that modern life demands. So they got sold. I never looked back but guess he did. He was so excited with his new toy and it was a beautiful day. The seat was comfy too.
I'm glad this crisis only involves motorcycles.

Happy Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th is my lucky day. I had my middle child, the football playin' man (fpm) on a friday the 13th, 18 years ago. He was 11 lbs 3 oz and 23 inches long. The best part of the coming days is that I get to go visit him this weekend for 'family weekend' and get to see a wildcats football game. The wildcats are 2-2 (2-0, conference). They are favored to win their conference. It should be a good game.

Here is my little baby on his first day in the dorm. Ain't he cute?
Seriously, I miss him so much. He is a rock. He was so easy to raise and he works hard. Life's just not the same around the old homestead without him. wah, wah, wah...
I've always loved Friday the 13th!!!!

Here are the faux Jay and Silent Bob. Ann, I was cracking up that you actually know of these disrespectable characters. (Yeh, Dogma is secretly funny-- kind of a guilty pleasure but simultaneously horrifying)
Soon I want to write about why so many women adore vincent, specifically in the bg form. It is amazing to find all these others who feel as I do since I have discovered blogdom. I've been thinking about this for a long time...

Meerkat Love

Cute little bugger, isn't he. Funny how the zoo meerkats are fat and lazy 'cuz they don't have to scrape by on only one disgusting millipede a day. Crunch! Crunch!
Seriously I love watching Meerkat Manor on the Animal Planet. The animals are totally anthropromorphized, but who cares, they are adorable.
I'd only skip it if I had to give up Bobby watching, which I don't. Tonight I get my bg fix.
I feel ambivilent about the proceeding show 'Friday Night Lights'. Hey I lived that life and loved every minute of it. I miss friday night football so much. That show may just make me feel sad...
Good thing I have bg to soothe my frazzled football deprived nerves. Ah, my sweet fantasy life- it gets me through another day.

OMG! Test Case Turns 21

The first one to hatch recently turned 21 and I can't fathom how time shot by so fast. When I look back at how nervous I was about being a mother, I can't believe he didn't turn out to be a nutjob! I held my breath all weekend because I was sure he'd have a seizure due to lack of sleep and over celebrating. His friends threw him a very special "Hollywood" party. Everyone had to go dressed as a famous celebrity. Famous to who? Well, my son and his friend went as Jay and Silent Bob. No one my age knows who the hell they are and trust me you don't really want to know. Well, bless him, he didn't go over on his text messaging this month! Someday I'm sure he'll grow up (won't he??) but until then I walk the line between being too strict and too easy going. What to do? We can't just kick him out of the nest just yet. He needs a few shoves but I am not capable of delivering them right now. I'll think about this tomorrow...

Why I love the blogosphere

I used to think that blogging was kind of silly. I have come to love the blogosphere. I love reading random blogs. How else would I see a sensitive Russian teenager's photography? I could have translated the text in oh, about 10 hours, reaching back thirty years to my old Russian lessons in high school, but the photos told the story. How else could I read about other people's struggles with epilepsy? I wanted my son to read them too. It might help him to see he's not alone. He still lives in the land of denial (me: honey, read some of these blogs written by other people like you. him: those f***ing people aren't like me!^ end of subject^) How else could I discover all the other women out there who also feel invisible, even with their own families? It is not something I am currently experiencing but I remember the horrid lonely feeling I got when I realized that nobody was listening. Best of all, the blogosphere allows escape into pure fantasyland when I get to peek into the life of the irrepressible mrs.bg. Little does she know that I have a burning crush on her husband! But then again I see that a lot of women of all ages and sensiblities seem to love bg. How does she handle the jealousy?? I'm sure I'll 'tune in' for another segment and find out. I'll bet lots of women are always coming on to her man. He has a certain combination of characteristics that drive women crazy. Of course, he's married and I do not approve of chasing after other women's husbands. After all, it only causes other women severe pain as I well know! Anyway I'd love to see mrs.bg kick some skank's ass. What fun.
See, now I still think blogging is a little bit silly, but hey, it is a great way to connect with people all over the world and see that you are not alone. There's really nothing silly about that , is there?

Tough Times

This is the fire that forges a courageous heart, I tell my sons. Seizures, football trauma and all the emotions that race around in your brain. I feel too much. It is a real physical pain even though the the worst is actually happening to another, a loved one. Every mother knows what I know. Empathy just turbo-charges those pains.
Life kinda sucks right now and yet they aren't gone forever. I can still talk to them. I also feel guilty about that too. My coworker can't talk to her boy anymore. I tell myself I am ridiculous anyway you look at it.
I've never been normal, why start now?

Will the Fun Never End??
First of all, thanks Ann for your friendly comments. It has been quite depressing, especially since this week my daughter is also away at science camp for school. Wah!wah!
And yet there's another son who is not really around all that much because he is 21 and running his own life (more or less). He has issues of the medical sort. Today he had another seizure and we spent the day at the hospital/ER/doctor's office. We got the grand run around like it was their freakin' job! All because (come to find out) the neurology department lets everybody on vacation at once with only one left to handle everything. Well it was a pain. But finally, finally the on-call doc, who I'm sure is really not a 'douche bag' as my son says, gets back with a med update. So all should be resolved for now.

TGIF!
Back to work week has been crazy. My former duties as "good cop" teacher have been replaced unfortunately. I am now starring in the role as fourth grade "bad cop". My partner is new at this and the smarty-pants crowd is starting to run circles around her. I must now be an ass-kicker :(

Meanwhile, I am committing that most odious of parental sins, *living vicariously through your child* My sweet football playin' son emails almost everyday because he is a little homesick and his life is a virtual rollercoaster right now. It all sounds so exciting. I wish my college experience (and life) could have been like his. Oh well, they say you have two chances to enjoy a happy family- once as a child and again as a parent. I took my chances with the second half, it worked, but now he's gone!! Really, though I am happy for him.

I haven't cried about all this... yet. I almost lost it when his dog pulled his dirty pillow cases out of the laundry pile and sniffed them. She spread them out on the floor and rubbed her snout on them. Poor Chrissy! The best dog ever.

Just starting out ...

I never knew blogging could be so simple. It is a good way to purge to myself. I'm a wild cat football fan because my son plays football for them. He is a lowly freshman. He was my ballast at home, such a good kid. Now he's off on a new adventure and I'm happy for him. I'm sad for myself, because I can't really talk to anyone about how crazy I start feeling sometimes.

I love reading other people's blogs, especially fanfiction. I love 'at home with the gorens' because it is so escapist and boy do I need to escape! Plus I love looking at the pictures. VDO is the coolest.

I like reading the 'in Death' series of books by JD Robb featuring futuristic cop Eve Dallas. She's a woman who had to recreate herself, very much like myself, although I'm not an ass kicker. Plus I don't have the super fantastic gorgeous, rich and can-do anything hubby. Mine's not bad, but he's not Roarke.

Basically it is fun to write a journal that I don't have to worry about my family reading because they shouldn't read it, ever. I can get a hell of a lot of stuff to go away when I type it out.